This week, I've just been....tired.
My boss has been out for a couple weeks and I've stepped into her role until she gets back.
During my first week as her (which was just last week I might add), I walked around shell shocked. It was like playing whack a mole--I just spent my time whacking down fires as they popped up. I had no idea what I was doing. I just kept working hard (ever have the moment where you realize there's never enough time to get everything done??); trying to fill her role as best I could; and the time just flew by.
Sunday night, as I laid sprawled out on the couch unable to move, I realized all the work of being someone else has worn me out & left me in a true state of depletion. It's a state of fatigue I unfortunately know well---nodding off while driving (scary I know!); sleeping any spare moment I can; not being hungry; not being thirsty; and, not being able to handle any of the supplement protocol I'm supposed to be taking.
All because I'm trying to be something I'm not---someone else.
And isn't that a crappy feeling? I mean, it is for me.
Being someone else is admittedly something I've gotten used to in my life. I've played roles for many people--parents, friends, lovers, bosses, counselors, sports coaches, and teachers.
It even got to the point where I looked into the mirror and didn't even recognize who I was. The suffocation I was feeling in my external world was nothing compared to my internal world. I lost all connection to my inner wise woman. My connections were to all things outside of me--people I hung out with, clothes I wore, places I went, things I said....nothing which made me feel whole.
I must say, luckily, I haven't felt suffocated by these past couple of weeks. Yes, I'm depleted and utterly exhausted. It's going to take me a while to physically get my strength back (funny how I used to take recovery time for granted...now I crave it). But, for the first time, I'm aware of the depletion before I actually completely bottom out (hello chronic fatigue relapse!!)
So, this whole being aware thing gives me a chance to really figure out what to do when this depleted feeling strikes. Before opening my eyes to this pattern, I'd just dive deeper into the role...thinking somehow I wasn't doing enough/being enough/convincing everyone else enough.
Now, I have the opportunity to figure out how to get out of the role and dive right into what makes me....well, me.
Where do I go you ask?
My journal is usually the first place. The second....you get one guess....
You're right....I get in the kitchen. Sounds cheesy but it's true. It's my magic. It's my happy place. So, no matter what city/apartment/loft/home I am led toward, please let there be a huge kitchen with lots of light (meh, the rest of the house can be small...just give me all the kitchen!)
So, now that I'm in my happy place....let's talk about the waffles shall we?
These are gingerbread. Classic spicy flavor remade gluten free from one of my all time favorite blogs, Against All Grain. When I was diagnosed with a gluten allergy in 2014, Danielle's cookbook was the first one I downloaded. I had no idea about going gluten free, so she opened up a lot of new baking ingredients and lifestyle options.
Fun fact: I didn't make a lot of homemade gingerbread growing up. Despite the fact I loved it so much. Because my mom hates gingerbread--everything about gingerbread or gingerbread related. She says her mom ate too much of it when she was pregnant with my mom.
Can there actually be too much gingerbread? I mean, are there to many kitchen gadgets?? No way. So bring on the spice. Mom, you're just gonna have to watch.
This waffle is a blender recipe--dump all your ingredients into the blender & just whir it on up! So easy...so gratifying...so satisfying.
So, when my world spins into a place of fatigue & depletion, I step into the kitchen; cut on a podcast; and, remember who I am. Then, I move from that place---the grounded, calm, warm, and quite gingerbready place. That's who I am.....what about you?
What makes you remember yourself when you find yourself depleted, tired, and utterly spent. Have you ever played roles & gotten lost in the world external to yourself? Let me know how you reconnect. Let's remember who you are....whole, free, and full of peace.
adapted from Against All Grain