Returning to my heart.
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I shared with y'all on my blog how much this Anti Candida Diet had really brought up my old eating disorder mindset. And that it absolutely completely scared me to see that side of me come out again.
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So, last night I had an epiphany. Instead of running from the thoughts, or actually allowing that inner mean girl to direct my every move down a very dangerous path, I decided to go to what I knew worked.
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I decided to just turn around and face the thoughts and go back to what healed--yoga.
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I've really run away from yoga since last year, somehow convincing myself I couldn't do it right, I wasn't worthy of being called a yogi, and thinking I'd never measure up to my friends who are yoga instructors (pretty much the antithesis of yogic thought).
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I thought the yoga I'd immersed myself in since 2012 was enough to keep me healed. But, healing is done in layers, and it's time for me to remove another layer of my hurt and heal it. This illness has me feeling super exposed, vulnerable, and weak in ways I've never felt before. All the more reason to tune inward and work on healing with ease, simple movements, breath, and mantra.
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So expect to see a return to my mat on a regular basis. I'm just going to practice without real expectation as to how my body will react. I'm not going to strive to crank into poses, just going to breathe and move from my heartbeat. It's all I can do and it's how I will connect to me as I'm balancing my new diet and lifestyle. Won't you come with me??

Let me tell you a little about me.
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I'm Brooke, and I'm an eating disorder survivor. And having Candida overgrowth is causing me some major anxiety.
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From the day I made the decision (yes, I consciously decided) to suffer from anorexia at 17 years old, I've struggled with my eating. How many calories, counting carbs, protein, etc. vs how many calories I've incinerated at the gym...it's been a long, tiring, muscle depleting process.
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My college years were spent either in the gym, stressing out over grades/classes/tests, or praying to God I'd make it through the night. Since then, some years are better than others. Hell, some days are better than others. It's taken a lot of vigilance and a commitment to staying healthy which fuels me to keep my weight up and help other reach their health and weight loss goals.
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But, this Candida overgrowth feels like a cruel joke. It's so confusing to sift through what I can/can't eat, or what "phase" of the diet I'm in, or when I need to begin reintegrating forbidden foods back in. It's an endless trial and error process, one which has led to a lot of sleepless nights praying (more like trying to force my angels to tell me) for which foods/methods will help. And I'm just smack out of ideas.
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Food smells weird to me now. Food tastes different now. I'm using very little spices and am breaking apart my food decisions with a toothpick. Can I have carbs? Can I not? Is three days of squash too many? It's enough to take me right back to my 19 year old self crying over whether or not to eat a cinnamon roll to celebrate my birthday or to push it away and make up yet another excuse as to why I am not eating anymore.
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I've lost weight. Like a lot more than I thought I would. In fact, people are starting to ask if I'm sick because clothes are hanging on me awkwardly. And the psychological aspect of the weight loss is getting to me. I've begun to be afraid of eating carbs. And at the same time, I'm afraid of throwing my body into some sort of ketosis by eating no carbs. I'm not working out at all because my fatigue is still awful. And I feel bad because I'm not working out.
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Those conversations are what it's like to be in my head. A double edged sword in my head. It's the back and forth I'm so used to and wears me down even more than the physical fatigue.
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I'm working on giving myself space. I'm working on being able to breathe through this. Work with ease and move with even more ease. Reading my Strala Yoga book by Tara Stiles like its my job. Ease hasn't come "easy" for me. I fight ease. I fight relaxation. I fight self love at times. I definitely fight self care. But, I'm a work in progress. And progress, not perfection is my goal. I'm not giving up. I won't give up. I won't ever give up. 💜

What everyone doesn't know is the only person making me feel inferior was ME. *GULP*
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I compared myself to everyone in my life. And I felt horrible because of it. I felt like an imposter more days than not. I sought outside approval from everyone, never trusting my own inner guidance.
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I took my friends' niceties as them feeling merely sorry for me. I felt my friends were my friends for various reasons: I was single; I was in a relationship; I had a broken heart; I was fat; I was thin; I had a dog; I didn't know my way, etc.
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Seriously, my thinking was very skewed.
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How did I help myself change that thinking?
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Affirmations.
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Yep, I felt they were stupid. A wise person in my life kept telling me they would work and I kept telling him I thought they were bull. I fought making them and saying them for years. Like 3.5 years.
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So, this year, I figured I'd try something different--help myself. After all these years of trying everyone else's way of living their life (not my way of living my life mind you), and looking to people I saw as "authorities" to tell me what to do, I was lost. Felt alone without anything to hold onto. So, I turned to myself and the power of words.
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I began by saying things like--I love you, I accept you. I am beautiful. I am worthy. And then I moved onto--I am always greeted by new opportunities to show off my talents. I am able to care for myself. I trust myself. My intuition is strong.
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Guess what?? After a LOT of repetition, I began to believe it. And it felt good. And it was actually true. I am all of these things.
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And so are you. Do you use affirmations? What do you say to yourself? I'd love for you to share!

How does it look when you envision your future?
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Is it super specific, down to the smells and tastes of your experiences? Or is it a montage of general ideas that you want for your life? Or is it something else all together?
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For me, this is very hard. Because when I envision my future, all I see is this image above. No specifics, no general ideas. Just static. Blankness. Nothing.
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And it scares the hell out of me. Each time I sit down to journal or envision my future, and I get the static, it stresses me out even more. How do I even know where I'm going if I don't have a vision propelling me forward?
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So, I shove the fear down. I move onto something else, some other topic. Pretend like it doesn't matter. But, during this phase of my Candida detox/die off (starting day 8 of 90 day diet), I've been nudged to begin envisioning my future.
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I used to joke (or was I serious?), "well when all you'd planned on just suddenly just up and walks away, you decide pretty damn quick your ideas for the future don't matter, so you quit planning for one."
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This is the attitude I've had since the middle of 2013, when the world I'd been building came crashing abruptly down. I stopped dreaming of the future. Since then, I've flown by the seat of my pants...jumping from this job to that, moving to various cities and towns, trying out different lives to see which one "fit". I've almost become a modern day Goldilocks, seeing which job/city/life feels "juuuuuuust right".
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See, I've got this need to be free and need to be grounded at the same time. I don't want to be caged in, but I want to know I've got somewhere/someone to go home to every.single.day. No matter what storms come up. That the town, the city, the person, and myself are in it for the long haul. So I can be the free spirit God created me to be.
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One of the things which holds me back the most is fear. Fear of getting it "wrong"---choosing the wrong place, city/town, person, all of it. Yes, that's human, but it's also a huge FOMO (fear of missing out) which keeps me from committing to anything.
Also, I've got fear of disappointing the people in my life who have a very different vision for my future. They are incredibly specific, and have shared them with me on so many occasions. I can spout them to you right now verbatim. But, even though that's their specific future for me, that future has not ever felt right in my bones. But the fear of not complying with those images leaves me paralyzed, unable to choose any direction. And that's not fair to me at all. I deserve more than indecision. I was built from the stars, I am destined for something HUGE. And I owe it to myself to slowly begin the process of sharpening the blurry images I see.
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Today, I ask you, can you get specific on even one aspect of your vision for the future? Can you sit in that uncomfortableness, that fear of getting it "wrong" and just some idea in your head of the future?
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If it helps, start with one word--the first one which pops into your head--and go with that. What does that word look like to you? What does it feel like? What does it smell like? Taste like? Once you've got some of those ideas down, you've done it! You've begun the process of clearing up the static. Sharpening that otherwise blurry image.
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It's not all or nothing, even one image is enough to keep you going and give you the confidence to know its okay to dream. I know I am....will you share with me what you come up with? I'd love to know!

There is no magic pill for hard work.
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Day in and day out I have people come to see me wanting me to give them a pill to take it all away--stress, weight, fatigue, anxiety. And I can't do it. I won't do it.
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I don't care what you're going through and what you want:
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*to lose the weight and eat better
*to lower your stress level
*better relationships with others
*a better relationship with yourself
*get rid of Candida or Lyme or parasites
*facing anxiety or depression
*be an Olympic athlete
*build your business
*get a new job
*pay off debt
*just to name a few
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It's all the same. You gotta make a plan and just do the work.
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For so many years, I wanted everyone to do it for me. Friends. Lovers. Therapists. Dietitians. Trainers. Teachers. I wanted them to make it easy for me.
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They didn't. And boy did I get mad. I acted out. I rebelled. I blamed everyone else. I almost got fired from what most would consider to be a good, stable, lifelong career---if I didn't walk out of it first.
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In fact, I even lost the love of my life while in the midst of this tumult, angrily pointing the finger at him instead of honestly looking at myself in the mirror.
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All because I didn't do the friggin work.
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I get it now. I've had to have my life reduced to rubble multiple times before I saw I just had to zip my lips and do the work.
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Maybe this resonates. Maybe it doesn't. But, all I know is that if you just get quiet and do the work, life looks so much better than being angry at everyone else all the time. Even if you are smacked down on your ass by an illness you didn't even see coming.
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Each day you're presented with the choice--do you really want what you say you do? If so, put your money where your mouth is and get to it. If you don't really want it, move on to something else. There's no magic pill here.