 One year ago this week, I moved back to my hometown.
- I left a beautiful, strong family of friends I'd created for myself. I left a cool home by the sea. I left a job offer full of promise, growth, and respect. Ginger left a sweet, curious little kitty brother (may he Rest In Peace 💕). - But, I'd also accumulated a lot of resentment while I was there. A lot of guilt. A lot of jealousy. A lot of insecurities. A lot of feeling "less than" my friends. A lot of anger. A lot of debt. A lot of frustration. A lot of yucky feelings for sure. - I had all these rules I'd set out for moving back: *I'll stay with my parents NO MORE than one year, six months preferably. *I'll have a higher paying job with lots of job security. *I'll be happier. More free. All will be well. - Basically, I created this image of my hometown being a utopia of sorts. All my problems would disappear and Ginger and I would frolic through tulip fields absolutely carefree..... - Yeah, I know....I'm a such a romantic. 😉 - Well, one year later, my life doesn't look at all like the rules I "set" for myself. *I'm still living at home. *The job I have in fact pays LESS than what I would have made in my former locale. *I've been crippled with severe cases of chronic fatigue syndrome, adrenal fatigue, and Epstein Barr virus. Most days I can't even get out of bed, much less be a productive member of my household. - So, no tulip field frolicking going on exactly..... - But, this time hasn't been all doom and gloom either. Per the card I pulled this morning (see my IG profile for more daily readings), I want to focus on what I do have in my life. *I've been able to rekindle a relationship with my parents. *I've been able to ask for help and actually receive it. *I've been able to find a job where long term growth is truly possible and (hopefully) probable. *My parents' dog finally has warmed up to me! *I've been able to write and reignited my passion to create (hello blog world!) *I've been able to pay my bills. *I've been able to pay for the healing foods which nourish me. *I've been able to sleep and begin healing myself. *One thing I've done is dream again and envision things for my future, something I've not done in over 4 years! And that has been truly magical. 💫 - So, it's your turn. What uproots have you dealt with this year? How have you learned and grown? What have you done this year you've not done in a while. Leave me a comment and let's chat!!
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 *****BLOGGING UPDATE: New Stuff Coming!!*******
My blog is going to change directions. It won't just be a repost of what I create for Instagram. (Though I am posting in both spots tonight to make my announcement ☺️) It's going to be about my healing. And in some way, I hope my journey helps heal you too. Because we have all areas in our lives which are wounded. We all need healing on one level or another. I know I need healing in many areas of my life. However, just because I need healing does not imply or suggest I'm a complete mess. I'm simply saying I know where my weaknesses are and I want to work on them. Primarily, I want to restore my energy and my health. I need to experience physical healing from my chronic fatigue syndrome/chronic Epstein Barr infection. But, my healing extends beyond the foods I eat, supplements I take, and exercise I do. It's gonna require some spiritual and emotional healing too. I want to dig deep with my angels and heal the parts which ache with loneliness, rejection, big time fear, and insecurity. It's also gonna be about dreaming big. I want a career which fulfills me, a loving relationship which is mature and passionate, and a self care routine which truly honors me for who I am, not for what current illness I have at the moment. I want to nurture my soul. I want to reveal my true self. I want to share this with you. It's scary to step out and be so vulnerable. But it's where real connections are made and where healing occurs. And if you're healing from anything, I'm here for you. You aren't alone. We can do this! Come along for the ride!! Ps. If there is something you'd like to know just ask! This is gonna be a work in progress, so I'll be working to get on a regular schedule and get the kinks out. My goal is blog three times a week, as well as my daily IG posts. Looking forward to seeing where this takes us 💟 I can't believe it's been 30 days already!
- As I look back, so many things happened this month--new drug protocols, even more restricted food lists, incredible amounts of digestive problems, and frustrating emotional turmoil. - But, on the bright side, I have experienced better quality sleep, connected more with myself through my writing, and becoming more aware of where I'm holding tight to tension. - I've breathed more into my body and have started to really start exploring ease and tapping into my intuition. I want to share this practice of ease with everyone I meet. And I can't imagine how much more awesome my whole path will be once I add the physical practice back into my routine. It will be magical. - My journey isn't done here. I can't just read about ease and practice ease for one month and turn the page. I am moving forward---using ease to turn inward and really ask my chronic fatigue syndrome and my ibs/Candida/leaky gut what it's wanting to teach me. I want to be receptive to the lessons instead of gripping and running away from its teachings. So, the next book I'm working through is "The Loving Diet" by @aiplifestyle. I've still got lots of miles to go, and plenty more tears to shed. But, this easeful path has really opened my eyes to embodying what it means that things happen FOR me, not TO me. I look forward to sharing my discoveries with you. - I consider myself an explorer now...exploring what it means to be easy in my body and easy in my spirit. @tarastiles, thank you for sharing your heart, your words, and your practice with me....can't wait to meet you and hug you in person!! ❤️❤️ This week, I feel my healing has just been "going through the motions." I received an email yesterday from @judiehurtadoreiki about her experience during a retreat with John of God. One of her takeaways was that we have to be "all in" in our healing. We have to be active participants. It's not just showing up and saying, "Alright healer, do your thing", and then getting healed. It's about putting in the work.
- Work isn't just for the physical body (taking pills, drinking teas, eating certain foods, moving in certain ways), it's for your emotional body too. This is the piece I've missed this week. The emotional--the healing affirmations, the loving thoughts, and kind gestures to myself--has gone untouched. Until today...mega journaling session, picking up my dusty guitar, praying, and listening to some loving podcasts have helped to lift my spirits. - These emotional pieces are what keeping the faith is all about. I haven't been believing in my healing. I've been on a one way ticket to negative self hate town, choking on the horse pills I've got to swallow along the way. Practicing ease is returning to your center, even when your spin off of your middle. Today, practicing ease was remembering I can heal and I am healing. It was caring for my soul in ways I haven't done in a long time (I mean it's been months since I've held my guitar much less strummed it), and it felt good. - Soulful, healing work is putting the physical and emotional together--taking the pills and affirming my health is getting better. It's drinking teas and journaling until I can't write anymore. It's eating these few foods and know upon my healing, a new plethora of combinations will open up to me. I'm rearranging my entire world and that always strikes the right chord with me. Ever notice how when you ask God and the Universe to "show me the way", things just seem to go wonky???
- Yeah...it's happening to me now. Because it's all wonky. - Practicing ease has been a very interesting experience. Right now, it feels like the puzzle pieces of my life are all up in the air. A major restructuring is happening, not only in my internal body, but in my external life. - One of the biggest pieces in my immediate sphere is the piece of boundaries. Too often, I've spent so much time worrying about other people....and trampling on my own borders. I've allowed myself to be talked down to, emotionally smacked down, and bullied by people whom I thought knew the answers. I always put myself in a lower position than anyone else. I never saw myself as an equal, a person who was the same as everyone else. - But now, by connecting to myself and taking care of me, I've discovered I have boundaries. And I can stand up for myself. I can say when things don't feel good to me. Not in a horrible, take no prisoners kind of way, but in a respectful way. In a loving way. I can stand up for me. I deserve to be treated as an equal as everyone else. And my intuition guides the way. What motivates you to do the things you do? The angel card I pulled today about intentions and an email I received from @lloydburnett has really got me examining what motivates me when I set my own goals. Is it fear or is it love?
- I know it's fear. I actually used to proudly say to anyone who asked me, "well, fear is a great motivator." Just looking at a few of the significant points in my life: - •Graduating from grad school--I actually wanted to quit school a couple of times, but was so afraid to tell my family I wanted to go in a different direction I just finished. •I tried to create a relationship with someone who never wanted me as a committed partner (only as a friend with a benefit) because I was afraid I'd never be loved or have a committed relationship by/with another man again. •I didn't go to the doctor last year when I started really having physical symptoms of Candida, leaky gut, and chronic fatigue because I was too afraid to know what it was. •I've spent years self sabotaging because I've been afraid to step into my power as a lightworker, a sensitive, and an empath. - I used to think those fears were small and compartmentalized. But, fear permeated everything, much like the fungus did to my entire system. And now, like the Candida, it will take some time to break down. - But, the important thing is I saw this. That I had this major light bulb moment. Because now my intentions and motivations will be questioned--fear or love Brooke? Fear or love? I choose love. I break free from fear. - What are your motivations? I'd love to know 💕 This week, I've noticed when I'm feeling bad physically, I let the barbs people hurl stick into me. Words like "stupid", "rude", "nut case", "not normal" stuck in, along with phrases like "you'll never be able to afford this", "no man will ever pay to care this way for you".
- Yes, these words and phrases hurt me. They did permeate my headspace and affected how I responded in my workplace, at my home, and even to myself in my own self talk. - I spent time today in retreat. Away from my family, nestled under my blanket, with my journal and pup by my side. I realize these phrases ARE NOT me. They don't describe who I am or what I represent. Those are not my truth. They represent other people's hateful view of life. Not my view of life. - The girl I was at the beginning of this year would have allowed those views in and it would've drawn me deeper into depression. Deeper into my black hole of self hatred and shame. But now, I've done a lot of work, a lot of praying, and a lot of uncovering my own soul to discover I don't need to go deeper into shame. I release that shame because it really is someone else's. - Practicing ease is about realizing what views are mine and what views aren't mine. What views I want to allow in, and what views I just need let go. So, in my own personal retreat, I just let those phrases go. Just wrote them down, tore them up, and gave them a good flush. Ease has taught me a way to feel much better emotionally, even if my physical state doesn't change. Can you feel the shift in the air?
- Yes, the seasons are changing. The air is getting cooler. The days are getting shorter. But I'm talking the energy has shifted. After the intense month of the New Moon, Full Moon, and Black Moon, the energy just feels a bit lighter. - Things in our lives constantly shift. There are states of intensity followed by states of peace. We climb our mountains and walk through our plateaus. We have phases of successes and phases of challenges. And sometimes it doesn't pendulum to the extremes---we can fluctuate around in the in between also. - Practicing ease is about feeling the shifts and moving with them. Adapting to the new conditions...and getting steady right where you are...until the winds of change blow again. It's why we practice tree poses in yoga--each day, our balance changes, our bodies changes, and our minds change. - I know this last month has made me aware of how tightly I clutched onto things hoping and praying they would NEVER change. And how I realized I can't change change itself. My chronic fatigue has been different everyday. So each day, I just had to take a deep breath, adjust, and move through the day given the degree of my illness. - It's something I'll now take with me...in my practice, in my life, in my body, in my relationships, in my job. And for this ease, I'm forever grateful. 🇺🇸 - I've spent a lot of time thinking (and writing) this week about stories. The stories I've told others about myself. My past. Who I am. Who I'm not.
- Well, wait....I've been telling stories from the perspective of the girl I was four years ago...ten years ago...heck, even fifteen years ago. I haven't even asked myself what my story is currently. Who I am NOW. Who I am not NOW. What do I like and dislike? - Practicing ease is getting to know me in the now. Today. And that person changes daily. Getting to know myself and my truth is where ease is at. Because when I lead from who I am, I know exactly where I need to be. 🌻🌟💜 You know, some days you just have the feeling like you got this, life is great, I'm in control. Those days are awesome.
- Then there are days like today when you spend most of your only day off cleaning up after a puking puppy. 😷 - Ease isn't always easy. Ease when you're having a good day is easy. Sunshine abounds, flowers bloom wherever you walk, and unicorns/rainbows accompany you with lush golden light. - Today has just been plain hard. No unicorns. Just thunder storms, hail, a sleepless night, me freaking out about money, and cleaning up vomit. For as much progress as I've made, sometimes taking a couple steps backwards makes everything seem so much worse. But, I'm saying to myself on repeat--I trust where I am and I trust what is happening. I am exactly where I need to be, even if ease isn't easy at all today. I'm learning. And I'm human. - Just gonna journal it out, scream into a pillow, and cry. Somedays it's all you can do. And that is more than okay. That is, in fact, easy. Now, did I get out the spot?? |
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