What the heck does "showing up for yourself" mean?
For a long time, it sounded to me like some crazy buzz words which were meant for super spiritual people---people who'd attained a high level of yogic study, meditation practices, or working under the tutelage of a guru--certainly not little ole me who hasn't done ANY of those things.
In fact, when I'd hear coaches talk to me about "showing up for me", I just rolled my eyes. I mean, I was here in my physical body, I showed up by waking up. I wasn't ready to take it any further than that.
But, now I'm beginning to see the phrase in a different light. Yes, it is waking up daily to face your day. But, that's just the start. It's doing the things you've got to do in order to get you where you want to go.
So, for example, the thing I have to do right now is HEAL from Candida and Mono. Those two items take all my energy and stamina. So, how I show up is this: I drink my teas. I take my myriad of supplements (7 in morning, 4 at noon, 7 at dinner, then 4 more interspersed throughout the day). I sleep when my body needs sleep. I lay down and rest on my days off. I cook all of my own meals which are #candidafriendly. I grocery shop almost daily to get the freshest produce and meats available to me. I reconnect with myself. I breathe. I write. I pray. I sit in silence (though I love music, my ears are very sensitive to sound these days). I go to my doctors appointments. I'm
honest to others about how I feel (because it changes everyday). I snuggle my pup. I let myself be where I'm at. I am not making decisions about my future because I know all my chemicals and chemistry inside of me is changing. I'm just being.
Is this easy? Heck no. It would be easy to go and grab the dairy free ice cream and sit down and eat the carton. It would be easy to go back to eating tortilla chips and corn products. It would be easy to walk away from this. Say screw this healing protocol and go back to life when I was sleepwalking through it, bitching about everything going wrong in my life---and never doing anything about it.
But, I WON'T. Because showing up for myself feels GOOD. Much better than any ole ice cream or chip binge would. I remind myself with each pill, with each tea, with each appointment, with each deep breath, with each journal entry---Brooke, I'm showing up for YOU. I love you and you deserve to heal. And I sink down into my bed, couch cushion, and even onto the floor with a pride I've not felt before.
This is what showing up is. Doing what it takes to get better regardless if it's hard. Take a deep breath, thank yourself for being here and lean on your Angels and God for help. They'll help you. You'll help you. And through this, you'll get where you need to be. 🌟🐶
I've put you through hell.
I've beaten you up.
I've put you on horrible diets.
I've said mean things.
I've starved you.
I've purged you.
I've yelled at you more times than I want to admit.
I've punished you.
Tried to hurt you in ways I'd never hurt anyone else.
I've scolded you.
I've been ashamed of you.
I've even been tired of looking at you.
But, you are still here.
You are amazing.
Your heart still beats.
You still carry my beautiful soul around.
You an amazing vessel.
You amaze me everyday now.
Yes, you're healing.
You are always healing.
You're always changing.
You're always beautiful.
You always are my safe space.
I love you.
I hear the messages you're sending me.
You are appreciated.
You are strong.
From now on, you are treated like a temple.
Because you house all of my beautiful self.
You are so loved.
I treat you with respect.
You are great.
How does that feel? 💕
So, the progress I'm making is quite slow.
It's almost like I'm a tree being re-rooted and finding a new place to grow.
Maybe in a sense I am.
While the yeast overgrowth is dying off, which is welcome news for sure,
Seems it's awakened a slumbering virus to come knocking at my door.
So, on top of the diet, the new supplements, and teas,
The fatigue I'm dealing with keeps knocking me to my knees.
But at least I know a reason, though it sucks for someone at my age,
Why are you so sick Brooke? It's mono, I say in shame.
Shame because I'm older
Shame because I feel life is passing me by.
The dreams and visions I wanted just months ago
Just seem so damn far away.
"It's the virus" I'm told,
which zaps my zest for life.
The reshifting of my brain and gut chemistry will settle down
And then my dreams will ignite.
But, this in between, this not knowing a vision
Honestly leaves me being the woman without a mission.
I've always been so driven.
I've always strived towards a goal.
Now it seems my only job
Is to stay awake through the day is all.
I know I'm frustrated.
I want it all to end.
Why did this happen to me?
When life keeps rolling for all my friends?
Marriages, babies, school, the works.
Sometimes seeing them progressing just hurts.
I've shied away from a lot of my friends.
Sometimes it's just been too tough.
To see their lives moving forward
And seeing me stuck in a rut.
Yes, I know it's my ego.
I know my path is my own.
I know this is leading me
To the place I will call home.
This time is just hard.
I'm uncomfortable here.
Yet, I'm going to keep pressing on,
Despite all of my ever present fears.
Things will get better.
My body will start to strengthen.
The yeast balance will be resumed and
My uncertainly will weaken.
The virus will once again be dormant,
Not being an old friend.
The hopes and dreams I have for life
Will one day light up and have no end.