I was gonna write something cutesy, as an ode to my love of Honey Nut Cheerios. But, that's not where my head or my heart is these days.
I am awakening to things in my past which have shaped me into who I currently am. I realize how I've become the words I didn't want to identify myself with. I realize I'm uncomfortable in this space of not knowing. And by not knowing, I mean admitting to everyone how I don't have clarity for the future. I don't even really know where I'm going past my current job, my current financial status, and my current chronic fatigued state.
All these feelings I'm experiencing are all a blur. That's why I'm glad I've had an outlet--it's made me a better waffle creator. So, in a sense, this will be a cutesy post...even if it's mixed in with seriousness.
I've been writing in my journal a lot recently. Giving myself readings (contact me here if you'd like one especially for you); reflecting on my day to day; and brainstorming for the blog/my business. One thing which has kept coming up in my writing is the idea of doing things before you're ready....and letting fear/our old beliefs get in the way. Let me explain....
I had a conversation a couple of weeks ago where I was encouraging a colleague to do more/be more/let her creativity & personality shine. She's very talented, witty, and sees things from a logical & real perspective. I wanted her to see what I see. I wanted her to know she has an infinite amount of talent.
"I wish I believed that."
Ouch, right? What a way to shut down any thought or dream of going to a higher place. Of being different. Of utilizing your talent in a unique way. That statement just ended the conversation right then & there. I had nothing more to say. My heart broke for those limiting beliefs.
The abrupt end to the conversation shook me. It was all I could think about. I went home that evening, sat down to write, and it hit me.
The reason why it shook me to my core was because I was feeling the same way in my own life! If all relationships are mirrors, this relationship just shined a tremendously reflective (dare I say even X-ray like) mirror straight into my soul. "I wish I believed that" has been something I've embodied since the first time I rememeber hearing a teacher call me smart. Do you know what my response has ALWAYS been since that time?
"I'm not smart. I just work hard." I totally shut down any compliments (and the compliment giver) the second I hear them. Even though it is unspoken to the compliment givers, "I wish I believed that" is the whisper which rattles throughout my bones and killed more dreams than I probably even know.
Those words have become that engrained in my being. Because when people encourage me in the way I encouraged my colleague, I shut them down too. Her response has always been my response.
No no wonder my heart broke when she responded to my encouragement. It's the same way my heart breaks when I say those words to myself.
"Well, now what?" I kept writing that sentence over & over in my journal. I mean, it's all well & good to have such an ephiphany; but, what do I do with this knowledge now?
I wrote that question until I had my answer--"I'm waitin' on ya."
Uh, I'm sorry, what's that inner wisdom? Waiting on me?? I kinda don't get where you're going with this.....
(Good thing my inner wisdom hasn't given up on me. I ask ALOT of questions & need ALOT of things clarified lol)
Waiting on me....Waiting on me.....oh! waiting on me. To change my thinking. To reverse that statement. To embody something new. To flip the script from "I wish I believed that" to "I completely believe that". To choose away from my default, break myself down setting towards one which uplifts & fills me with confidence.
Ahhhh....that makes sense.
But, true change isn't just going to come from one day of swapping out one statement for the other. It's repeatedly flexing my statement change muscle (probably multiple times a day) to reverse the old engrained "I wish I believed that" belief.
Changing these statements seems daunting. Heck, as fatigued as I've been experiencing recently, changing this belief sounds downright exhausting. But, I guess my inner wisdom knew I'd feel this way (she's all smart like that), because she wrote something which put it into perspective for me--think about how you learned to cook.
Of course, my life analogies would go back to food. Everything in my life always comes back to food.
But, I gotta hand it to my inner wisdom. She's right. When I first learned how to cook, it was awkward. I mean I made quite a mess (oh wait...I still do). Back then though, I overcooked pasta and undercooked eggs. I burned veggies and made bacon into charcoal. I lit oven mitts on fire and melted spatulas. But, the more times I got into the kitchen, the more comfortable I became with everything (except cooking meat...my germ phobe self never got used to that...glad it's not currently in the mix!)
Recipes didn't look so daunting anymore. I experimented (successfully!) with new ingredients. I bought new gadgets (hi there waffle maker!). I expanded my knife skills. I learned the food lingo. I went to culinary school. I got a job as baker. Now, kitchen time is as second nature to me as brushing my teeth.
,That is encouraging. I mean, the more I change my disbelief statement into a belief one, the more comfy I'll get with it. The more it will become second nature. The more I will embody the new and leave the old behind. The more it truly will represent who I am right now and not who I was in the past.
I hope my colleague is reading this right now. I hope this resonates with you as well. Because each one of us has some old belief which rattles around inside of our bodies. We've believed it for years and years. It's become our default answer/setting/response. We didn't know there was another way.
Change is hard. Shifting beliefs is tiring. But think about something you love to do. At first, when you begin anything, it felt awkward. You had to learn steps/procedures/movements etc to build your skills. It took practice, but you did it. Now, it's easy to just do your thing! You probably don't even have to think about it. It's become that second nature.
Same idea with these new beliefs. And same idea with this waffle recipe. In addition to what I learned about how to bake over the years, it took time for me to learn how to use my current waffle maker (each one has it's own personality/temperament I believe). It's taking time for me to learn how to take better food photos (that's the current skill I'm learning to cultivate).
That's not to say you or I can't pick up a new skill(s)/recipe/belief statement on the first try. We can. But, for it to become a habit, it's got to be part of a daily practice. The more we do something, the better we become at it.
And I don't know about you, but I want to get better at instantly responding with a positive, life affirming statement instead of one which reflects self inflicted limits and keeping myself in a box.
Because you know we don't stay inside boxes round these here parts. :)
So, as we expand and awaken to things around us, it's up to us to use what we learn from our relationships in an expansive and life shifting way. We have the choice to use the mirror of our relationships to rewrite the patterns which have kept us stuck. We get the choice to release our pasts to step forward into our present. We also have the choice to not eat bad waffles.
And I'm all about that choice. Life is just too short to eat bad waffles. Instead, recreate these honey nut waffles in your own kitchen. You'll be reminded about how sweet life can be if we take the time to heed life's lessons. Enjoy!
adapted from A Breakfast Drama Queen