Today has been a day of rest, something which usually doesn't happen on a Sunday. In fact, I'm typically working all day at my place of employment. So, this is a beautiful gift.
With this rest, it's given me so much time to really think...listen....and process.
And with all this thinking, I get super duper hungry. And tired. Which makes me want to just sleep and eat while thinking. Quite the conundrum huh?
I present the fuel I needed to get me through this day of thoughts.
Well, what am I thinking about you may ask?
Hahaha...a lot. I'm always thinking of stuff. It's kinda part of my DNA. I can hear an ol' country song being written---"I come from a long line of.....overthinkers....?!?!?"
Well, maybe not.
I'll have to come up with another award winning songwriting idea. Add that to my "things to think about" list.
But, the reason for my thinking today has a lot to do with the current inner work I'm doing.
I'm deep in the midst of transformation. I'm sifting through a lot of my inner stories, thoughts, and patterns to see if they still ring true. Here's the quick response--they don't. But, as I've been peeling these gunky layers back, I've come up against so much resistance to letting go of these stories. I've seen myself still wanting to stay small, even though my heart's desires are expanding. I've seen myself sabotage my efforts to step outside of my normal routines. I've been dealing with a lot of fear...so much so I've had to sit down and invite fear to eat breakfast with me.
Luckily, this day wasn't really fear I invited to breakfast, it centered around my truth.
Real talk time. I've held onto---no, I've straight clung---to this narrative of unworthiness and incapability in my life. I'm pretty sure I really began to form this narrative in my youth, when I was made to feel incapable of making any decision for myself AND unworthy of having exactly what I desired.
I felt incapacitated to do anything but succeed in school. If I tried sports, I'd tell myself I sucked. I'd end up getting hurt, or getting my glasses broken; then, I'd quit. If I was in dance class, I told myself I wasn't as good as everyone else; so, I practically begged to be in the back for every number. These activities were constantly changing, so I had to work extra hard to prove my incapacity....aka by overthinking and self sabotage.
School was where I knew exactly what would go down--homework, quizzes, tests. There were no real curve balls to have to try & predict. I'd just go in and get shit done.
Except for geometry. That class was so hard.
I have spent so much of my life trying to control every outcome under this narrative of unworthiness & incapability. It's been exhausting. I can see how this narrative has weaved its way into my adult life too with broken relationships; extreme financial distress; career switching; and, severe health problems.
And, dismantling what took 37 years to build up isn't going to happen overnight. In fact, this process of uncovering my truth has been over 5 plus years. For the past two years though, it feels like the revelations are coming much faster. The stakes are getting higher. I'm on the verge of a major breakthrough. I can feel it. And these feelings are making me want to expand and contract at the same time. Kinda like being hungry & sleepy during all this processing work.....it can be overwhelming!
Funny how things come full circle so quick. And how I eat a lot of waffles to get me through these times. I need grounding. I need comfort. I need time to sit & think....and eat. Scarfing waffles down doesn't really feel good; nor do I suggest it. I'm glad I have something to linger over. It helps me comfort myself as I'm moving into these huge releases.
Like this letter:
"Dear unworthiness, thank you for keeping me safe all this time. You've let me navigate through life with a sense of not claiming all of my special & unique gifts. You let me just move through pieces & parts of my life instead of letting me dive deep into my soul. Because you didn't want me to know my own soul. You wanted me to trust you and no one else.
Your best friend, incapability, has led me through some dark ass times; and all the while, you were there whispering to me how all of this struggle was my fate. You gave me a place to land when things fell apart--because you knew they would. Now, you want to keep me stuck here in this limbo place. You want me in this "should I or should I not" place because you are powerful here. This is where you shine. This is where you keep me hidden. This is where I admit I'm scared and you run to comfort me with your "I told you so's & you'll never achieve any more."
I'll admit, I've found solace in this. Each puzzle piece which has happened in my life all points to these themes--I am unworthy of success and I am incapable of success.
But, buddy, these stories have got to get the fuck out.
I've observed you for years playing games with me. I've watched from afar and felt a lot of these feelings--fear, anger, frustration, hatred, confusion, heartbreak, sadness, depression, and anxiety. These are feelings you love because I don't grow in that place.
But, I've started to see another life. I'm envisioning the future. I'm meeting my future self--over Waffles of course-- and we are excited about possibilities. I am grateful for this present place of release AND I'm grateful for where I've been, and for where I'm going. Yes, I'm struggling with a decision. I'm standing on the edge of a mountain not knowing what's there when I jump. I'm choosing between your constant state of stagnation AND my expansive future. I am terrified, shaking like a leaf, and wanting to curl up in a ball. Which I've done today--a lot of in fact.
You're probably gonna try woo me back into your arms more than a time or two. You don't just walk away. But, I'm slowly starting to chart my own path while leaving you astray."
Sometimes, you gotta have days to think and to process. You've got to put your heart in your hands. You need to see what no longer resonates, and craft you up a newer plan.
And a new plan of mine is to begin to bring coffee back into my life. I've gone without it for over a year now, as I've been struggling with my health, my hormones, and my digestive system. But, as I've gotten stronger, I've noticed a desire to have coffee again. I've slowly begun to try again with caffeine. And what better way to bring it in with a waffle? Seriously...the combo of almond and coffee and chocolate gets me every time. It makes me feel like super woman---perfect for processing and releasing the old; and, welcoming and expanding the new.
What do you do when you're in a processing state?
Also, if you make these waffles, tag me with #whiskingoutsidethebox
I'd love to see what you create!