Reflections of Candida, Part 1

Let me tell you a little about me.
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I'm Brooke, and I'm an eating disorder survivor. And having Candida overgrowth is causing me some major anxiety.
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From the day I made the decision (yes, I consciously decided) to suffer from anorexia at 17 years old, I've struggled with my eating. How many calories, counting carbs, protein, etc. vs how many calories I've incinerated at the gym...it's been a long, tiring, muscle depleting process.
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My college years were spent either in the gym, stressing out over grades/classes/tests, or praying to God I'd make it through the night. Since then, some years are better than others. Hell, some days are better than others. It's taken a lot of vigilance and a commitment to staying healthy which fuels me to keep my weight up and help other reach their health and weight loss goals.
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But, this Candida overgrowth feels like a cruel joke. It's so confusing to sift through what I can/can't eat, or what "phase" of the diet I'm in, or when I need to begin reintegrating forbidden foods back in. It's an endless trial and error process, one which has led to a lot of sleepless nights praying (more like trying to force my angels to tell me) for which foods/methods will help. And I'm just smack out of ideas.
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Food smells weird to me now. Food tastes different now. I'm using very little spices and am breaking apart my food decisions with a toothpick. Can I have carbs? Can I not? Is three days of squash too many? It's enough to take me right back to my 19 year old self crying over whether or not to eat a cinnamon roll to celebrate my birthday or to push it away and make up yet another excuse as to why I am not eating anymore.
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I've lost weight. Like a lot more than I thought I would. In fact, people are starting to ask if I'm sick because clothes are hanging on me awkwardly. And the psychological aspect of the weight loss is getting to me. I've begun to be afraid of eating carbs. And at the same time, I'm afraid of throwing my body into some sort of ketosis by eating no carbs. I'm not working out at all because my fatigue is still awful. And I feel bad because I'm not working out.
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Those conversations are what it's like to be in my head. A double edged sword in my head. It's the back and forth I'm so used to and wears me down even more than the physical fatigue.
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I'm working on giving myself space. I'm working on being able to breathe through this. Work with ease and move with even more ease. Reading my Strala Yoga book by Tara Stiles like its my job. Ease hasn't come "easy" for me. I fight ease. I fight relaxation. I fight self love at times. I definitely fight self care. But, I'm a work in progress. And progress, not perfection is my goal. I'm not giving up. I won't give up. I won't ever give up. 💜