Chances are, if you've reached any amount of age in the world, you've got a "story". Something you tell others about your past triumphs/tragedies. This story you've told over and over again--to coworkers, to friends, to family, and to yourself. It doesn't really change because it's just become part of your lexicon.
- I found myself telling my "story" to someone and feeling absolutely like I was having an out of body experience as I was speaking. After the conversation finished, I took time on my drive home to dig deep and really get curious with how I was speaking about myself. - Upon reflecting, I realized I've embraced the victim role. I spoke my story as a victim. I've continued to speak my story as a victim. - And it's up to me to change how I share my story. Because I am more aware. Because I have grown since all those twists and turns. Yes, I wouldn't be me without those events, but I don't have to let the victim role define me. - I can always choose again. And so can you. Choose to tell your story from an empowered position. Because you are powerful. More than you realize.
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Holy wow! It's been 20 days already...
- So, to get even more vulnerable here, fear has come up big time for me. And it's not what you'd maybe think. I'm not afraid of being sick, my fear these days has circled around getting well. - What does well look like? I know it's different for everyone, but what will it be for me? Sick is the only thing I've ever known...I KNOW this place. I know struggle. I've learned to drop my ego and accept help. But, to be well? Now that is scary. Will I have to do it all by myself? What will be my well? Gosh, that means I have to live my life then...stand up take a stand for me (now that really gets my teeth chattering and knees knocking 😬) - As I went to sleep last night, I had all this fear swirling. But, as I woke up today, I felt inner peace where there was fear. That inner peace said: - "You don't need to be sick in order for people to love you Brooke. You are lovable just as you are. You don't need to do anything. You are loved just because you are you." - I think that's good for everyone. You are loved just because you are you. Sick or well. Just because you're you. You are loved. 😍 This quote from @aiplifestyle just struck me.
- This means I'm getting really intimate with my illnesses--sitting down, asking them exactly what they are here to teach me. And really opening my ears, my heart, my soul, and listen. - So many things in my world are changing. Things are falling away. I'm making room for the new. Or, even welcoming the old in a new way. - Chronic fatigue, I'm tired of fighting you. I'm tired of being pissed off, gritting my teeth and wishing you weren't here. Wishing things were different. - They aren't. You're here with me. We are in this together. So, let's work together and learn from each other...because this is a lifelong journey we've got together. ❤️ Ease is about really giving myself the care and support I need.
- I took today to sleep, move slowly, and bathe in being deliberate with my actions today. This next level of supplements has triggered another round of Candida die off, so I just took the time to be. 🤒🤕 - I'm also nourishing myself in gratitude. Like the card I pulled today, I'm celebrating how far I have come. I don't want to focus on how far I have left to go. I have a diagnosis, I have taken active steps to begin the healing process. I learn something new about my body and my mind everyday. - I'm learning to be more authentic and true to myself. Because for so long, I didn't know how to even recognize where I ended and where someone else's dreams for my life began. And that is definitely worth celebrating. So, the more I dive into @tarastiles words in her book, @stralayoga, the more I realize the dichotomy inside my body.
- In my heart, this whole ease/natural movement/tapping into my intuition feels so darn good. After all of my years of living inside a proverbial cage, this concept is sheer freedom. - My head is like whaaaaaaatttt is this concept???????????? I refuse to submit to this. 😳 - But, it's all a part of the process. Much like growing. Much like healing. You've got the struggle between two forces. One has always run the show. The other has always played in the background. There is going to be some teetering back and forth until a decision is made. It reminds me of the parable, Tale of Two Wolves. Whichever one wins is the one you choose to feed. - Having my mind and heart struggle is natural. For so long, my mind and it's incarcerating parameters ran the show. There was no room for intuition. It was not part of my "plan." My mind is still fighting me on allowing my intuition to lead and fully embrace ease. - But, I'm gonna keep feeding my easeful and wondrous intuition---because that's the one I want to grow. 🎃 Today, I shared with a coworker about yesterday's appointment. We discussed my new protocol, the new foods I'm introducing back into my diet again, some even after 3 years!! And it was strange--I found myself getting defensive after she questioned, "They told you you can eat THAT???"
- In that moment, I felt I had to justify everything--my appointment, my introduction to foods, the methods my healer is using, even my entire healing path with these illnesses. - I heard myself make some flippant excuses ("oh well it's just this new food, my body tolerates it, I'm just trying it out, blah, blah, blah") and walked away from the conversation feeling quite unsettled. - In this practice of ease, there's always a moment where I can return to my center. Today, it was through noticing the thoughts I had. I took a moment to deep breathe, and forgave myself for thinking I was under attack. I forgave myself for forgetting this is MY path. MY healing. MY diet. MY life. MY awakening. Not hers. - Each person is different. Each body is different. Each diet is different. Each body's healing path is different. Even our yoga practices will look different. What specifically works for me probably won't work for anyone else. Because I'm me. No one else. 💫 Part of practicing ease is realizing we have a group of people we can rely on. Whether it's our guardian angels, God, besties, pups and cats, family--work, blood, our chosen tribe, yoga guides, IG friends, Angels, neighbors, healing team (doctors, healers, naturopaths, nutritionists, religious leaders, etc) or even a football team, we all have support in our life.
- Sometimes we are the one giving the support--through holding space, showing up, listening, giving a hug, or protecting the QB's blindside. - Sometimes we are the one needing the support. And all we have to do is call. - Before my appointment with one of my healing team members today, I reached out to my Angel Cards. I was scared and needed to hear from my angels. What card did I get for myself? Support. Ahhhh....touchdown. 🏈 So, on Day 14, I have a confession--on some days, practicing ease goes out the window and is replaced by fear.
- Today, I've been fearful. Afraid of these physical symptoms. Afraid I've done real harm to my body. Afraid I'm not getting better. Heck, even afraid to GET better. - Some days, fear takes over. It can run amuck over your intentions. Make me feel panicky and yucky. I get lost in research. I get lost in the what ifs. It's only been right now I realized its in my best interest to stop the craziness. Begin breathing again (pretty sure I have been shallow breathing all day long). Dive into my journal. And after that, read something fun. I'm getting into watching golf, so reading a golf magazine is really fun. It's going on my bucket list to learn how to play once I'm well 🏌⛳️ In this practice, things in my world constantly change. Yesterday was a good energy day, today, well, was not. 😟
- I actually expected this whole Candida thing would be over and done with in like a month. I would just change my diet; do the protocol of supplements; and poof! all would be right again. I'd go on with my life. Easy peasy right? - Actually, I'm wrong. It's not as simple as changing a diet or taking a myriad of pills. A hidden, underlying chronic Epstein Barr virus (which some call chronic fatigue syndrome) has been discovered. This diet has actually made me sicker. The fatigue isn't going away. It's frustrating. (I'm working on a blog post to talk about this--what happens when your protocol/diet isn't working...stay tuned) - So, in practicing ease, I realized today I need to adjust my expectations. Life isn't cut and dry. And chronic illnesses require a lot of trial and error--with food, activity levels, pills, self care, etc. It's a lot of tuning inside and figuring out how you feel. It's a lot of breathing and stepping out in faith. I'm still learning to take each day as it comes. Being still. Hearing my own heartbeat. Praying. Trusting. And doing a lot of writing! Part of practicing ease is tuning into my breath and being present in my body. Tuning in doesn't have to happen only in a workout. Tuning in works best when it's done all day long.
- I've been practicing presence in my daily routine. To often, I think either too far ahead in my future or wayyy too far back in my past. But, that doesn't really let me focus on the here and now. So this week, my intention is to tune in and listen to my body. - Today has been nothing but eye opening. I'm way more sensitive to my food than I thought. I'm noticing rapid heartbeats after I eat, and digestive distress I've been dismissing. I'm also having mega joint pain which is hurting me at work on the regular. While it can frustrate me and really feel defeating, I am closer to learning what is right for my body. I am learning more about the foods which serve me well. And a tweak of my Candida diet is in my future..I think I'm going way too low carb and it's backfiring on me)....back to reading and studying modifications ....📚📝... |