Today I did something I've not really done since this whole Candida/chronic EBV bout began---gentle, seated yoga. (Thanks @tarastiles for your gentle stretch videos on your YouTube channel!!)
- And it felt so good. - While it was only 5 minutes, I felt taller, more open, and more able to breathe. You don't have to practice for a long time to feel the benefits of using your breath with your movement. - After my mini session, I had enough energy to get up out of my bed, shower, then prepare a homemade #candidafriendly recipe. Thankful for this injection of self care in living with ease.
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Today, on my break at work, I took a seat and I knew it was coming. A conversation I'd had just a few minutes earlier brought up that familiar feeling in my throat. No longer could I push it aside.
- I just let the tears fall. - Practicing ease is creating a safe space to let the emotions fall. My safe space today was a bench. It was also a silent prayer, a quiet sob, and a deep breath. Things which happen in life aren't always easy. In fact, some just plain hurt. - But, releasing the emotion created space. It created movement. It created freedom. And then it created clarity. I now move from my middle, from my gut. I let my intuition guide the way. 🌟 Today, I woke up feeling---down, tired, achy, and just plain raw. Like someone had run my soul over with sandpaper. I was angry and frustrated.
- Recovering from #chronicEBV and #candida is NOT easy. Each day brings a different emotion to the surface. It can be frustrating. It can make me weary. It can make me feel alone. - But, in this new practice of ease, I'm just using these tough moments to breathe. I went into the bathroom at work today and spent just a few minutes tuning into my breath and clearing my mind. I remembered I don't have to plan the future, or rearrange the past. I only have right now. - And after my mini meditation today, I encountered a customer who had a story similar to mine. We commiserated together, shared a few laughs about our experiences, and both hurt that the other person is hurting. - Regardless if I ever see this woman again, I just want to say thank you universe. I needed to have this interaction today. To know I'm not the only one with good, ok, or very bad chronic illness days. I needed to laugh about our long list of supplements, and the foods we swore we'd never eat. I needed to give a hug and be hugged in return. Because we aren't ever alone, and the universe always shows us when we are feeling the loneliest. Part of learning a more easeful approach is letting go of where I think I need to be and just enjoying where I currently am.
- I've put such effort into beating myself up for where I am "not" in my life. I used to think by a certain age I'd be married, have kids, be settled into a career, etc. And yet, each time I'd reach an age and those things weren't done, I'd sink deeper and deeper into self doubt and despair. And I don't like beating myself up any more about this. Yes, I'm single, never married, no kiddies (unless Ginger counts), and have meandered to a lot of different careers over my lifetime this far. - I thought today while driving to work--"what if during this transition to a more easeful lifestyle, you just tell yourself it's okay to be exactly where you're at right now." - And the thought just felt...spacious, light, and awesome. - So, tonight, on this powerful full moon, I set the intention to release those negative, soul crushing, beat myself up sessions. I don't know the way I'm exactly going, but I'm gonna learn my way through moving forward, healing, being honest, and being open to all the possibilities which are coming my way....because I'm so excited for my future! 🌝⭐️😍 Today, I spent a bit of time thinking about the blessings Candida and Epstein Barr Virus (EBV) have brought to my life...
- Yep, I said blessings. Learning to practice ease has helped me breathe into all the things I encounter in my life, both the good and bad. The good is easy to breathe into, it's the hard stuff which gets me all tense and constricted. But somehow, the hard stuff has the ability to teach us more than the good stuff ever does. - So, thinking about my blessings in the mess, here's what I came up with: - *I now cook all of my meals (I know exactly what's going on each and every meal) *lots of veggies (I used to not eat that many) *I pay attention to where my food comes from/where it's sourced - So, aside from food: - *My creativity has started to return. I carry a journal with me and jot down ideas for poems or reflections. *I hear my intuition so much better. In fact, I think it's the first time I can really hear it speak to me. - So, while I've gritted my teeth along the way, fighting these health issues and spent a lot of time wondering "why me", practicing ease has allowed me to see the tense issues in a different way. - How do you view your challenges? Do you see them as blessings? Or just things to get through? I'd love to hear your thoughts. Dear little B,
I know somewhere way back when you were hurt. You were told your dreams didn't matter. You were told your dreams were stupid. You were told to keep your dreams to yourself. So eventually you just gave up and started to believe those hurtful words. As a consequence of this hurt, you stopped dreaming. You told yourself you weren't worth big dreams anymore. You began to shrink, play small, and just wanted to disappear. Even today, big dreaming in any capacity is so foreign and feels so awkward. I used to get so frustrated with you because you couldn't dream, but now I'm understanding why. - As a person practicing ease, I'm here to tell you you are safe. Little Brooke, it's okay to dream again. To trust in those dreams. To believe in your dreams. To know you're destined for something even better than even you can imagine. It is safe to dream again. I'm sorry I shut your dreaming capacity down so many years ago. So, now I say--with your dreams, throw the practical out of the window. Don't worry about the how's, and the money issues, the travel plans, if it's really possible...all of those thoughts...just begin to dream. Trust in life. You can dream again. It's safe. Trust in your dreams again. You're worth it. You've got all you need inside of you. You are not alone. - I love you little Brooke and I'm here to help you. I used to want to fight you all the time, but now I just want to help you heal. Dreaming is important. Dreaming is creative. Dreaming is an integral part of your soul, of your freedom. Let's start dreaming together beautiful one...💜👭 The card I pulled yesterday was Dreams. While I spoke of the dreams which occur during sleep, part of the reading didn't sit right for me personally. To me, the card also spoke to my dreams I have when I'm awake.
- Ya know, those dreams which start as a whisper, getting you all excited to keep taking steps forward towards achieving it....the visions in your head which keep you ecstatically up all night because you just can't wait to achieve them. - In learning to practice ease, I am able to awaken to why I've been having such a hard time even starting to dream. In fact, these dreams are getting crushed before I can even form an image in my head. - How you ask? They get lost in the practicality of the dream--the to do's, the how's, travel arrangements, money worries, what to pack, what to post, etc. I've realized somewhere in my past, I learned to believe I'm not allowed to dream if it's not ACTUALLY possible. Something happened which taught me big dreams weren't important, necessary, or vital to my soul. I had to be practical only, no crazy, huge, scary, awesome, impossible dreams were allowed. Dreams are supposed to be scary. They are supposed to be impossible. Because when they've been placed in your heart by the Divine to inspire you to your purpose and what you can achieve by listening Divine guidance. - And I have to tell you, there is absolutely NO fun in dreaming practically. No wonder why I quit dreaming. It's easier NOT to dream than get stifled by the intricacies of figuring out how a dream will happen---that is hell. - While it's sad to recognize this is occurring, this practice of ease is allowing me to see things I've pushed aside for years....and I can be curious about it with myself in a non condescending or confrontational way. I can listen, open myself up to the truth (especially if it's quite a hard truth), and begin the process of relearning to dream with the innocence of my inner little girl. 🌟💕🌻 God/Universe/Spirit,
- Please help me release anything which doesn't belong to me. - Please help me remember self care is a day by day, sometimes minute by minute process. Help me to keep taking steps to heal and know it is okay to not know the outcome--to anything--yet. Help me to follow the things which light me up, and trust I'll receive the signs I need to see as I move forward. - Help me to remember ease is always one deep breathe away. And so it is. ⭐️🌻 Spent today really quiet. I watched shows paying homage to the lives lost, the brave first responders, and how our world has changed since 9/11. I slept a long time. I prayed. I journaled. I read. I took time alone to just be.
- I've been such a creature of "doing"--just "being" feels awkward. But, the more I listen, slow down, and do exactly what my body wants me to do, the being is getting easier. Because the being actually feels good. It's getting back to the heart of myself. And getting back to myself is what will be my healing. 💕🇺🇸 -
Frustration. It's amazing how a good energy day (yesterday) can be easily replaced by one (today) where my fatigue makes me want to cry and my back hurting makes me want to shy away from everyone. But, there is beauty in these feelings--because my guard is down. I'm more vulnerable and honest. - I realize how much of my life is spent "should-ing" all over myself. How my life has been directed by voices in my head--that aren't even mine. There are voices from family, teachers, coaches, doctors, friends, confidantes, and mentors. Wonderful folks; but, they aren't mine. - I realize my voice is the one which matters. And right now, with Candida and mono, healing is my focus. Healing is what my voice whispers. The other stuff--career advice, relationships, where to live, etc, is secondary. Those actions will come later. - I am worth healing, and it will get better. Because I am having good energy days between the no energy ones...I'm taking that to mean more good energy days are to come. 😘👍🏻 |